Beyond The Throes Of Home Renovation

The house is now becoming a home. My partner and I and this home renovation, in a small village at the end of an old logging road. A village that maybe should have died along with the mill that created it. But out here in the woods, this little community fights back against the unlikelihood of it’s existence. Yes, we are out here.

This is all dawning on me now as my days have become satiated by the regular laundries and showers. The on-demand heat and A/C. Lights at the flick of a switch. My life in this once near tear-down house is becoming ‘civilized’. I have time now to just be, to think, and to exist. So why now, after the simplicity of modern amenities that i’ve worked so hard for in my home – start to fester in my mind like the black slime of greed. I want to delve into the throes of home renovation to hopefully understand, appreciate and overcome this existential post house-reno dread.

A Regained Sense Of Purpose

When I first bought my house I was over-come with fear disguised as an inextinguishable excitement. I understood that I was walking into an overwhelming amount of work and looked forward to such a project. But now thinking back to that young lady, I am envious of her enthusiasm. I am no longer waking up in the freezing cold, jumping out of my sleeping bag and into a winter get-up to pull wire through my house. I have a heat-pump, insulation, drywall and paint! Now when I wake up in the morning I am faced with the lousy task of pulling back my homemade curtains to let the light in. How extreme is that?

It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that I can officially check off the big ticket items on my to-do list. But wait, what are all of those points lower down on the list…oh yeah, those are all of the little crafty ideas I’ve thought up along the way. The drift wood railing, salvaged wood shelving, the under the stairs root cellar! Do I actually have the time now? Yes! Does this mean I can start a fun little project? YES!

Material Vs. Spiritual Satisfaction

My favourite memories of this home renovation was when my partner and I had an extension cord running up to the one bedroom that had insulation in it. With an oil heater, slow-cooker and Christmas lights hooked up, reflecting off of the poly sheeting in a dazzling manner. We didn’t have much but with what we had we created long-lasting memories that I will forever internalize. In my current plight of realizing that having many of the material comforts does not equate to lasting happiness, I wonder if the pursuit of comfort overshadowed the more meaningful aspects of life?

When I talk to my partner about our time there in the little room, we rejoice over it’s novelty. With more time on our hands we are able to explore new avenues in our relationship and of our friends and family. We have to remind ourselves that yes, although we would be just fine with so little, we should show appreciation for the comforts we’ve achieved to allow for the pursuit of more fulfilling and shared experiences.

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”

Abraham maslow

The Awareness of Economic Disparity

Despite having one of the cheaper fixer-upper houses in the middle of no where, I must say, I am truly lucky to even HAVE a house. I had lived in my car for years to save up for one and just barely got in as the prospect of buying kept getting further out of reach. The outlook for young people buying their first homes today is so unachievable that it’s hard not assume some inevitable collapse. There is a guilt that arises from my prosperity amidst such communal hardship. Sharing the up’s and down’s of home-ownership with my friends is dampened by jealousy. And now that I am deeply indebted to the bank I am even more aware of the economic pendulum and it’s probability to swing into my hard work like a fucking wrecking ball. But how liable is fear of what hasn’t happened and may never will?

I am grateful for my situation and in this light can possibly assume a position to help current and future generations in creating a more viable world. With less of my time being consumed by home renovation, my ability to contribute to the community grows. So as the doors to my home are always open to friends and family, the empty houses of my neighbours remain shut. Perhaps I am not the problem, but there are certainly some issues that could be addressed..

Fear of Settling and Death

There is some concern that settling into a ‘civilized’ life might lead to my complacency or stagnation in the system. But I have to remind myself that I now have the time to push forward seeking further personal growth and adventures beyond the home renovation. More morbidly, this building of a potential ‘forever home’ is bringing about thoughts of the finite nature of life and with it, some sort of existential crisis. Is this it? Is my life suddenly so predictable? No. I refuse. So I sing, to the tune of Neil Young’s Into the Black – “it’s better to burn out than fade away”!

With all things considered, it’s apparent that some reflection was necessary in order to regain my footing. The world moves so fast that it can be overwhelming at times and i’m often unsure if what I’m doing is the best choice. I suppose it’s in order for me now, with this newfound time, to live more mindfully and cherish each moment. To contribute more to the community and stronger relationships. To find joy in the smaller projects and communal events. I’m looking forward to the future of this home, this little village and my community.